Confessions

I have a few confessions to make. The ultimate one being – let me do the hell that I wanna do. There are really people out there who say they care for you, are concern about your well being or your career but they seem to be acting in the wrong direction. While I – I have a different idea about how being caring and really concerned about someone’s future or wellbeing should be like.

When I was in the UK with my husband – we were free. We were so free and that was the reason why we didn’t wanna come back to the same crowd too. But either God has a better plan for us or we didn’t work hard enough to be able to migrate to the UK (yes, we don’t appreciate people alienating us as non-locals). But, to be back in the circle where people ‘care’ so much about you until it can actually damage you, doesn’t sound like a good place to be in too.

Take migrating to Spain. There, nobody knew who you were, nobody realises who you are and nobody cares who you will be. When you are back at your old circle – people knew who you were and although you’ve travelled half the world and had tremendously changed in the way you think and of your perspective about life, they still treat you like how they did in the past. I appreciate its only normal when I am the one who’s changed but I suffer its suffocation now. Yes, until I get the hang of it and master the art of – listen, smile, agree and then do whatever the fuck I was gonna do anyway.

To be honest, this was who I have been all my life. Yeah, I listen and I smile and I seem to agree but I do whatever the fuck I want. But for 3 whole years in a foreign land, I didn’t have to oblige to anyone at all and instead of listening, smiling and agreeing – I do whatever the fuck I wanted straight away. But, coming back – I gotta get used to listening, smiling and seeming to agree again. Not that I wanted to fake it but to be rude or standing up for something that you don’t understand is pointless and energy sucking.

So I’ll do whatever the fuck I want in a very mild and professional way like I always do.

Gimme a break.

Do realise that I am big enough to do my decisions. I decide and do them just like how I always did. Just because I decided not to work as a lecturer although I am regarded as someone who has the teacher ‘face’ and the attitude, or work as a researcher at MARDI or UPM, or apply to work at Sime Darby or Halal Hub for that matter or do whatever the fuck you think I should be doing doesn’t mean I am not accomplishing life.

Accomplishing life is exactly what I am doing – in my own way.

I am doing whatever the fuck that I want.

So don’t meddle with why I don’t have any kids yet Allah knows when is the best time or why do I waste my international degree and do something that doesn’t relate to my study course or why am I wasting my time doing nothing.

It’s for me to decide and for you to shut up – although you won’t.

It’s funny how, last time I never feared, I never doubted, I never cared what people think about me or what I do or what I wore for that matter. I colour-blocked and wore lots of prints, people thought I was crazy but now both become the trend. I did whatever the fuck I wanted. Yes I was radical, I was hardcore. But whatever I went through in life gave me wisdom and it balanced my radicalness and made me a more – considerate person. Which is awesome!

Only I’ll have to practice consideration at a place that could benefit from it not at the place which could destroy it.

This is me growing up.

And the fucks and bullshits – don’t tell me you’ve never used them.

And – if you are really concern about your brother’s wellbeing, your daughter’s future or your friend’s decision – you should start believing in us and praying for all the good things to happen.

Leave us be, let us explore, let us have the time to figure things out and when we do, be prepared to be starstruck. Because you never knew what we are secretly working on.

But only if you stay outta the way and change your so-called concerned to really believing in the person and praying for the good things to happen.

Inspire people, inspire. Don’t judge.

Because this is what being concern and caring really about – to me. And I think, it’s a very encouraging one too. So why not you adopt this kind of caring?