Changes

Confidence is not – I will be fine when they like me.

Confidence is – I will be fine if they don’t.

I like the changes I’m implementing in myself right now.

Nothing in life stays constant. The only constant thing in life is change. And, to be able to rhythm with life’s rule – is where I wanna be.

Alhamdulillah.

Confessions

I have a few confessions to make. The ultimate one being – let me do the hell that I wanna do. There are really people out there who say they care for you, are concern about your well being or your career but they seem to be acting in the wrong direction. While I – I have a different idea about how being caring and really concerned about someone’s future or wellbeing should be like.

When I was in the UK with my husband – we were free. We were so free and that was the reason why we didn’t wanna come back to the same crowd too. But either God has a better plan for us or we didn’t work hard enough to be able to migrate to the UK (yes, we don’t appreciate people alienating us as non-locals). But, to be back in the circle where people ‘care’ so much about you until it can actually damage you, doesn’t sound like a good place to be in too.

Take migrating to Spain. There, nobody knew who you were, nobody realises who you are and nobody cares who you will be. When you are back at your old circle – people knew who you were and although you’ve travelled half the world and had tremendously changed in the way you think and of your perspective about life, they still treat you like how they did in the past. I appreciate its only normal when I am the one who’s changed but I suffer its suffocation now. Yes, until I get the hang of it and master the art of – listen, smile, agree and then do whatever the fuck I was gonna do anyway.

To be honest, this was who I have been all my life. Yeah, I listen and I smile and I seem to agree but I do whatever the fuck I want. But for 3 whole years in a foreign land, I didn’t have to oblige to anyone at all and instead of listening, smiling and agreeing – I do whatever the fuck I wanted straight away. But, coming back – I gotta get used to listening, smiling and seeming to agree again. Not that I wanted to fake it but to be rude or standing up for something that you don’t understand is pointless and energy sucking.

So I’ll do whatever the fuck I want in a very mild and professional way like I always do.

Gimme a break.

Do realise that I am big enough to do my decisions. I decide and do them just like how I always did. Just because I decided not to work as a lecturer although I am regarded as someone who has the teacher ‘face’ and the attitude, or work as a researcher at MARDI or UPM, or apply to work at Sime Darby or Halal Hub for that matter or do whatever the fuck you think I should be doing doesn’t mean I am not accomplishing life.

Accomplishing life is exactly what I am doing – in my own way.

I am doing whatever the fuck that I want.

So don’t meddle with why I don’t have any kids yet Allah knows when is the best time or why do I waste my international degree and do something that doesn’t relate to my study course or why am I wasting my time doing nothing.

It’s for me to decide and for you to shut up – although you won’t.

It’s funny how, last time I never feared, I never doubted, I never cared what people think about me or what I do or what I wore for that matter. I colour-blocked and wore lots of prints, people thought I was crazy but now both become the trend. I did whatever the fuck I wanted. Yes I was radical, I was hardcore. But whatever I went through in life gave me wisdom and it balanced my radicalness and made me a more – considerate person. Which is awesome!

Only I’ll have to practice consideration at a place that could benefit from it not at the place which could destroy it.

This is me growing up.

And the fucks and bullshits – don’t tell me you’ve never used them.

And – if you are really concern about your brother’s wellbeing, your daughter’s future or your friend’s decision – you should start believing in us and praying for all the good things to happen.

Leave us be, let us explore, let us have the time to figure things out and when we do, be prepared to be starstruck. Because you never knew what we are secretly working on.

But only if you stay outta the way and change your so-called concerned to really believing in the person and praying for the good things to happen.

Inspire people, inspire. Don’t judge.

Because this is what being concern and caring really about – to me. And I think, it’s a very encouraging one too. So why not you adopt this kind of caring?

What Would You Rather Be?

Light at the End of the Tunnel, Sg. Pisang, April 2016. 

I came across a question;

“What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?”

I felt its great for me to express it here so I can move on. But to me, I’d like to tweak the question to – ‘what would you rather be if sin was not part of life equation?’

Then I would be a pole dancer. Yes. Really.

Yes. Really.

Yes. Really.

Not for the attention I’ll get but for the freedom of expressions I earn with wild & dirty dancing. And dancing, will always be the career I could never pursue.

I remember when I was 9, my father registered me for a swimming class. Every time he dropped me at the club, I would see younger girls attending ballet classes. Wearing those fluffy pink dresses, bringing bouquet of flowers in a cute little basket. Tiptoeing their ways into the class, with an attitude – all chests and chins up.

I loved that! And until today, I still do.

I told my dad I wanted to do ballet instead of swimming. But he detested. Maybe having had the feeling that I would pursue it as my career and not just as a children-weekend-self-development kinda thing. And I guessed it was for the better, for I could have really been a dancer if he had really allowed me into the class then. And I didn’t mean that disrespectfully. But, maybe. Just, maybe. A girl who comes from a strong Islamic family-background would be loathed for pursuing something that is seen as, sinful?

Yet as I grew, I developed my kind of thinking that questions ‘Who are we to say what is right and what is wrong, that’s not our job to do’. I know its not mine but if you think its yours, then by all means.

I was enrolled into a piano class and I hated the teacher too. No, I didn’t hate her. I just couldn’t care less what she thought about me. She called me ‘stupid dam dam’ (I suppose that was dumb) for not following her instructions. My sister was a favourite one for she followed instructions, understood English and played gracefully. I told my dad I wanted to drum instead but it was a done deal. Swimming meant swimming, so was piano.

But, although those weren’t what I wanted I am still grateful that at least, at least I have some skills that I could show off to my friends when we hung out hahahahahaha. Yet, I can’t help but think that it could have worked wonders if parents could listen to their children’s passion and support the children’s choice. But of course, I understood the strive we all face to follow the faith/avoid any harm too.

Even then, those classes help me have a bigger view about life. Maybe not then when I was stupid dam dam but totally now when I can make more sense of life. So that’s okay Dad. Everything happened for a reason and its for the best reasons of all :)

And, what was done was done. We’d still dance to our favourite songs with ’em girls and some spontaneous public ones too!

And oh yes, some outta the topic thoughts;

For the married couples – its always great to share hobbies together. That helps us bond better and we’ll forever be each other’s best friends when we do what we love together! For example, my sugar loves The Walking Dead. Initially, I despised it because the zombies look stupid to me and not frightening at all and ultimately, because the series are tooooooo slowwwwwwwwwwww. Period. But then, I learned to like it and it made wonders. We could then tease the series and make inside jokes together. Imagine if I knew nothing about the series, how could we have come up with inside jokes then? Hahahahaha.

And because I love the recent Peanuts movie so much – he then joined me for the OST dance along tutorial and it made everything so much funner!